| NaNoWriMo-aybe. |
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11:51pm 05/10/2009 |
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D: D: So today is the first time I've had any real hope for writing. I'm not all the way there yet. Here was my day. I woke up at around two, did my Speech homework, emailed it to the teacher. I was feeling pretty-so-so. Watched a show on the History channel I didn't want to leave but knew I had to to get to class. Something crazy happened on the way to school though. I can't even explain it. I was driving down the road, jamming to a song I used to hate in high school, mainly because it, like every song this band puts out, is about sex. Mind you, I hate this song least of them all, but it's still a huge jump to go from saying, "Please kill me" whenever this CD got put into a CD player on the drive home from school to suddenly jamming out when it pops onto the radio. Well, as I'm speeding (literally) down the road, jamming out, I look into a mirror. I can see the road behind me and about a quarter of my face. And I catch my own eyes for a second. I was smiling. This is the first time in a long time I've looked in a mirror and not hated what I've seen. I was happy. I later on got to thinking that I was missing Nikeo something awful. Random yeah. I sat around Math class, took good notes, went to a restaurant with Naim, where the fact that he was accompanied by me got him a sandwich for cheap because he didn't have enough money (and hadn't realized it.) We hung out listening to music for about ten minutes, then I booked it home, watched House, wrote an Essay Proposal and now I'm sitting in the NaNoWriMo chat wondering about my Wrimo. So far, I've just got an idea. Its inspiration comes from Viva la Vida, yes, the Coldplay song, and a poem I wrote in middle school about a wizard on the border of two nations who uses mind control to convince two massive armies that their leaders, the two kings, were secret allies profiting off the death. He then proceeds to manipulate one side into taking him as their new King. (He offers reasonable proof to his right of ascension.) |
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| Tuesday, June 9th, 2009 |
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04:40pm 09/06/2009 |
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What the fuck is peoples' obsession with turning their backs on people and places lately. I've had a lot of friends turn their backs on me, and I've seen a lot of people turn their backs on damned good sites that are in need of help they can give. Jesus fucking Christ. The human mind is damned fickle. I can't seem to get a control on my anger anymore. mood:  restless |
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| I've just woken up |
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02:14pm 02/06/2009 |
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It's two PM. I've just woken up. I'm sitting at my computer desk again. I've slept badly. Kept up and bad dreams, mostly relating to a certain person. I'm not sure what to do. My focus is gone, like a bottom dropped out below me. I'm trying to find solid ground. |
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| Monday, the first of June, 2009 |
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05:08pm 01/06/2009 |
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I'm sitting at this computer desk. Nikky and Billie are talking to me. She doesn't like him much anymore I think, and I don't quite see a real reason. Billie's having a hard time with her family. The onlyk way I know to help, has been rejected. I'm powerless there. Nikky's had an accident and inspite of a painful injury decided to get to work on heavy lifting and cleaning out the house to sell instead of seeing a doctor. Later, I'm going to write. I'm waiting for a shift in mood. That's all I can think to say. You moved to emoville because you were a tool
The creepy vampire stared all night at you.
Since when the fuck do vampires sparkle in the sun?
Oh-a oh
Your emo vampire plays a symphony.
They’re gonna drain you, moron can’t you see Just whose meal do you wanna be
Oh-a oh
Werewolves like children
Oh-a oh
Kick the damn puppy
Twilight Killed the Literature.
Twilight Killed the Literature.
Let me come and stab your heart.
Oh-a-a-a oh
And now we fight in a ballet studio.
You’re watching your damn home videos
I finally got a taste of your blood Oh-oh
Oh-a oh
You’re not a real book
Oh-a oh
You’re not a real book
Twilight Killed the Literature.
Twilight Killed the Literature.
In my library and in my theater, we can’t rewind they’ve gone to far
Oh-a-aho oh,
Oh-a-aho oh
Twilight Killed the Literature.
Twilight Killed the Literature.
In my library and in my theater, we can’t rewind they’ve gone to far
Let me come and stab your heart, put the blame on the werewolf.
You are not literature
You are not literature
Twilight Killed the Literature.
Twilight Killed the Literature.
Twilight Killed the Literature.
Twilight Killed the Literature.
Twilight Killed the Literature. (You are not literature.) |
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| :-(! |
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11:02am 18/05/2009 |
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I’m irrationally upset. This morning I started randomly crying on the way to school, today I’m irrationally hot and angry. I’m also worried about the future and I need advice, I just don’t know where to turn. Right now I don’t know if I want to scream, cry, punch something, or vomit. I think it might be all of those things. -Locke |
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| Hello my friend, we meet again |
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11:57am 13/05/2009 |
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It's back with a vengeance. Right now I'm sitting in my fifth hour class, meebo open, all conversations inactive. I'm not... not happy. I'm trying to be, but today was fairly shitty. For one thing I woke up with so little time to spare that I forgot to eat with my medicine and about an hour later I was vomiting the medicine up and feeling like shit. Secondly, I'm feeling a distance today between the person I care about and I. Despite their assurances that they're just trying to sort things out, I'm pretty sure that's code for "pulling into my shell." The worst thing is right now I can't find the urge to fight that off. Right now, I'd rather be asleep and not wake up for a while. I regret ever opening my mouth. I regret ever having the thoughts I had. I wish I had crushed those down and ignored that voice in my head. I just hope it is understood I only want the best. So here I am now... sitting here, tired, sick, sad. If I didn't have to go to the doctor for my hypertensive blood pressure I would be asleep the moment I got home. I feel like shit and I don't particularly care about doing the dishes, eating dinner, sweeping or any other bullshit like that. Screw. That. Shit. I would be asleep now if Iw asn't in the computer lab. mood:  melancholy |
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| -- |
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12:05am 28/03/2009 |
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Nice guys finish last. Get the hell out there and be a fucking agressive asshole. You, sitting on your ass being a decent citizen. Don't you know you're fucked? Don't you know you're a fucking WALKING MAT!? Don't you know your ass is grass and the rest of the world's a lawnmower?! Get the fuck up and be an asshole to someone. Everyone loves an asshole. GO GO GO mood:  bitchy |
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| What is it? |
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10:32pm 26/03/2009 |
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Why the hell am I feeling like this... I feel like a man wearing red in a sea of blue. All alone though surrounded. I don't know what I don't know. mood: depressed |
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| ":(" |
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04:41pm 01/03/2009 |
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No clue where to start, no clue where to stop. I am just "UGH." Friends ditching. Dog suffering, and illness. No specifics. Future is fucked and so am I. |
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| Good morning |
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08:32am 11/02/2009 |
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This morning sucked. I woke up out of what I know was a bad dream to a drowsiness which threatened to lure me back in. After completeing my usual morning ritual, I came into the living room. My father was arriving from work, and came in. During the whole shindig that involves my dogs acting like morons and jumping around excitedly… my dog Willy began to whine. Rapid fire whining. We checked his hips. They were in fact the problem and the whining didn’t relent until he finally laid down. My father later spoke to me frankly, said he’d had a bad night thinking about me going to Texas and similar things. He suggested that he and mom following me down, but compared this whole process to the ride to take my last dog Lassie to the vet to be put down. I told him that an 18 hour vet ride would be ridiculous for him and left. Except I didn’t leave. My car refused to start. In return, my father demanded my keys. I got a ride to school, but I don’t know what to do. I still don’t have the money to get down there or survive a week food-wise. I am… upset and conflicted. |
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| I need some help |
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09:02pm 08/02/2009 |
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Alright, guys. This is quick and simple. I used this site to try to start a fundraiser for my dog. We’ve been able to determine that the fundraiser can now be shut down. We don’t need to get my dog new hips, thankfully. However, I’m gonna have to do the beg game and use the site for what I ORIGINALLY intended to use it for. I need money to get moved south. Please help. https://www.fundable.com/groupactions/groupaction.2009-02-08.4167765716
I'm asking for ten dollars if you can spare it. |
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| No Hope, No Dope, No Rope (Eh?) |
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10:58am 04/02/2009 |
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I had hope. For a short while, there was hope. I was happy. I had a future. I would escape this place before it could tie me down, and I’d move south, establish myself down there, and begin saving and saving. Last night my parents broke me of that hope. With it made clear through several very subtle remarks that I will receive no help from them in my attempt to get down there, that they don’t trust that the people I’m going to stay with at first won’t toss me out, and several other things, I don’t have hope. My dad says I should get a new car and three grand before I even think of going. Tell me how I’m supposed to do that? At minimum wage, it would take a year to get 3 grand alone, and that’s without paying for insurance, gas, and school. Add in the new car, and… I’ll be lucky to be free by the time I’m thirty. No hope. No Hope. No inspiration. No motivation. I’m stuck here. This place got me. Why am I not surprised? mood: depressed |
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| Idealism |
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01:28pm 24/01/2009 |
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I have a fair idea when I got this messed up sense of idealism installed into my jaded brain. It has really screwed with me and made things hard lately. I'm going to try to overcome it and learn that sometimes, shit isn't going to be fair. Equity just doesn't happen and to assume it should or that anyone else thinks that, is stupid and projecting your own values on other people. The universe isn't balanced and life isn't always fair. People can't always be, including myself. Check and check. mood:  blank |
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| Today. |
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07:18pm 16/01/2009 |
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Over the past two days, I have set here and received near constant drama. I'm having a bit much. Nothing is feeling right. I don't know who the heck to turn to as I run out of options. Who knows. Nap time. mood:  listless |
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| Jesus christ |
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06:17pm 02/01/2009 |
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When you promise to clean up problems, then fucking do it. ARGH!
I'm so mad I can't focus
I'm so completely and utterly angry, and I cannot fathom what I should do. I'm actually too angry to do anything but rant. I can't fall into my habit of comfort food because I'm actually too full, and ill to boot. I don't do much in the way of tears. I can't write and I can't think. Why in the hell would you promise to do that and not keep the promise?!
mood: MAD BEYOND ALL BELIEF |
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| October 2009 |
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| | 1 | 2 | 3 |
| 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 |
| 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 |
| 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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carpelocke's journal
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