I would spend every one of those 600 seconds dancing with the saddest person in the world. An expression of grief in private, without words, with only our bodies and our minds, it would be something so poetic that perhaps just briefly, our troubles would cease to be substantial. 

tags: writer's block

I have to make a decision. I move through the Numb but sparks ignite my anger: small discourtesies repeated over time, disliked specters of the past come back to life, my tongue silenced against these specters. The storm is quick and harsh and afterward it leaves its vessel empty, cool, disgusted. Anger is defeated self, someone wise and fictional once said. My life is in a turmoil brought on by rapid change. I have to balance my Complexes with reality.

My parents are both in danger.

My father can fall into this same pit I walk in and out of every day, but he will not be able to climb out.

My mother has, apparently, already fallen to something far more terrifying to me, old addictions come back to the surface.

Somehow, I’m supposed to put myself first. I am supposed to live my life. But the honest truth is that I don’t see much of a life worth living. I do not like myself. The only thing about myself that there is to like is the piece that helps people, and that piece doesn’t want to let go of this self-imposed duty.

I’m becoming a bit unstable, and it’s all my own doing. My father has periods of instability because he chases this reality around in his head and it hurts him. I’m slowly deteriorating in my focus, my emotions, my thought processes because I’m distracting myself, numbing myself against thinking. It’s happened before that I’ve done myself real and perhaps lasting damage.

I know what most believe I have to do.

I also know that I don’t know what will happen if I walk away. He fears he will grow old and die alone and in a rut. I’m terrified to leave because I feel that fear every single fucking day. My friends grow farther from me, and I’m not even sure it isn’t my fault. Even Shawn… the only reason I had contact with him since I left South Carolina was because he put his phone through a washer and dryer… and it accidentally dialed my number.

And then all I heard of him was whistling in the background.

Mel, for now, is nearby. But I cannot afford to visit her, and it is unfair to ask her to come to me. But save for her, the people I would turn to…

Jayiin is in Texas.

Tilly, Wisconsin.

Kegs, Korea.

Duo, Massachusetts.

And somewhere, wandering the country in a drug-hazed stupor is my cousin, the one whom I share the most blood relativity with on my mom’s side and the first person who ever told me the truth about my biological maternal grandfather, told me that I was not descended from some rapist. Everyone in my family but that man’s children knew the truth by that point. How such a detail could have escaped my uncle’s eyes, I’m unsure, but the truth came out when my Grandmother was dying, quite possibly, it became lost to those who were able to hear it, and that was that.

My point is, these people are within reach, but they are over long distances, doing what they should do, leading their lives. These people are moving forward, whatever else they’re doing. I have a great respect for each and every one of them, even my cousin Brian. The reasons vary, and in many cases go deeper than I could talk about without breaking trusts or touching on wounds.

It just makes me wonder, how can I begin to live my life, when I don’t know if it’s one worth living, and what damage will be done to those I care about if I do go live it. Especially my father. He sees himself alone in an empty house, forever. Unless he learns how to make some friends… it’s not unlikely. But that’s not how any human being should have to live, and it seems a cruel fate to leave my father to, especially when it is one I feel in my heart I will have to face, and fear more than the man at the end of the hallway.

Maybe not more, but just as much.

I’m a twenty year old man living with his father. I keep holding out for a good job, but have since learned no one wants to give anyone experience in the realm of “good jobs” and am going for whatever I can get. Even then, I worry about how well I’ll do. I obviously fouled up at Target. I’m severely overweight, and when I look into a mirror, I often find myself disgusting. Not even the being severely overweight explains all of the disgust. There’s just something unpleasant about me.

I’ve tried to make myself a new person by forcing myself to go out of my comfort zones, to stand up for myself and try to be a positive force. Instead, all force, positive or negative, is more or less gone, until someone strikes a fire, and then it’s all negative. I have to make my decision soon, because I can’t stay numb. Not even if I tried.

From now on I'll try to suppress annoyance and anger and put it on LJ under private posts instead. Just rant here. Life's too short to be mad.

I heard good news from Jayiin today. I'm happy for him and it left good vibes. I needed some. I managed to get surprisingly worked up over a situation in a battle on CAZ and have had words with Koji, Kalmora, Cody, and Meridia today. Somehow offended Koji by calling him 'bro.' I'm missing the offensiveness there. Despite my attempts, I've actually not written ANYTHING today. 

Hmm. 

Pluses: 
More inspiration for O.S. (A comic script I'm working on)
A few good rounds of Mafia
Some good news from Jayiin. 
I managed to judge CTF
I managed to get a post done on Kabaii
I managed to beta the fic someone sent me four days ago. Er, sorta. 
Managed to get a cup of tea and some toast in while watching an awesome epi of Star Trek: The Next Generation

Minuses: 
Managed to exchange not-pleasant conversation with four people. Koji and I aren't so close anymore, so I'm not sure how or if that can be fixed. 
Probably ended up causing stress for Tilly. 
No writing actually got done today. 
I didn't post on GZ, HW or CVD.
I still don't know about transportation to Rosemont, Illinois

Huh. Interesting day. 

It reveals to me that sometimes my blood still boils in battles, and that when I've offended people I'm still scared to ask their forgiveness. I contemplate just not battling, because I can see me putting myself on the opposite end and just sorta never voicing my opinion at all. But I have a lot of fun with it. Strange. 

So I've made myself look like a childish ass. Take notes and move on. Try not to let it happen again. Hope for the best. 

For the record, Dark Horns rule.

Happy Birthday, Sh33p! 

So, I just wanted to get this out because I'm kinda gushing. I've finished maybe... 1/3rd of Chapter 2 of God Called In Sick Today, a new HP fanfiction story I'm working on. A prologue, 1.33 chapters, and 15k words later, I've established that Harry Potter is suffering from a mood disorder and is on medication for it, that Lucius Malfoy is an evil frickin GENIUS, and I've managed to kill off Astoria Malfoy, despite it conflicting with a scene I had planned in this story. 

But then again, that scene was planned before Lucius Malfoy decided to assert himself as an incipient Dark Lord who gathered his power by screwing Voldemort over every step of the way from the inside. For being such a trusted Death Eater, Lucius Malfoy rarely did accomplish any of Voldemort's goals. I wonder why? These damn characters keep showing up in the story and doing amazing things to it. Lucius appeared out of nowhere, and something tells me Mundungus Fletcher might even have a part to play before it's all over. 

So far, established plotlines. 

Albus Severus/Scorpius do a preliminary coming out of the closet at Hogwarts. Albus is nearly killed during the sorting ceremony. 

Lucius Malfoy is an evil fucking genius hell bent on taking over the Wizarding World in ways that Voldemort could only dream of. 

Since the Azkaban breakout, Ron's rejoined the Aurors, where Harry as his boss is not sure that he likes Ron mentioning the medication he is on. After all, he and Ron had hardly talked in the last two years outside of holidays. Furthermore, whatever mood disorder or whatever Harry's facing (I don't know yet, he hasn't told me) is getting worse. To top it all off, one of Harry's underlings, Ernie Macmillan, is as pompous and extravagant a person as he was in school, and it gives Harry his fair share of headaches.

Somehow, most of these plots are going to be brought together, especially because Albus is REALLY getting tired of these hints people keep dropping about his father and Scorpius' father having been enemies, and is starting to want the truth. 

Oh, and Portrait!Dumbledore is trying to tell Albus something about Hogwarts. (I actually know what this one is, but I'll never teeeeeellll. Devil's in the details, folks!) 

So, now that I've gushed... I'm going to sleep. GCiST, I am proud of you!

So, anyone who is in certain circles in the cosplay/anime/anime con world will have probably heard of JoeyBlondeWolf. I'm going to give a short background of what we know about her (or if you care to really argue, him? But frankly, no matter how often she says it doesn't matter, no one will care to stop arguing). We don't really have too much other than that she likes cosplaying, is probably of mexican descent, and has now had two accounts removed from Youtube. One for posting the address of a US soldier who threw a dog off of a cliff over in Iraq, and the other for (???) IE, youtube won't say. 

Joey, on top of all of the cosplay and anime is a huge supporter of animal rights, big animal and especially dog lover, and a huge huge Youtube Activist if she finds a topic. She can literally whip up a frenzy of anime addicts without much trouble, nor without intending to half the time. It just so happens that a friend of hers is currently being accused of beheading someone's dog. 

This friend is quite the character. She's a taxidermist with more than one complaint against her for animal cruelty, none of which have been found to be valid. Her place, from what we can see of interviews and video, seems to be pretty messy on the OUTSIDE. All views of her own dog show a happy, well fed, and very energetic and obviously VERY OBVIOUSLY loved dog. I mean it barely even noticed the camera man and spent most of the interview playing with this friend, called commonly Wolfie. She's a card though. Convinced she is half wolf, half human, she runs around with a pack of people of similar beliefs and commonly wears faux wolf tails and dog collars. 

Her claim is that an acquaintance brought their dog to the house after it was killed. It was dead and rigor mortis had already set in. Being a known taxidermist, the friend asked Wolfie to save the skull. A photo was leaked of her holding the head. Now, all in all this might just attract outrage from animal lovers who think she killed the dog, etc etc. However, though the supposed ACTUAL owners of the dog are making this claim, she has not just attracted the eye of animal lovers. 

Now under constant assault by btards hacking her personal accounts and spamming child pornography and worse, the girl still faces court. 

For me, as for my own personal opinion, I kind of stand by JoeyBlondeWolf's statements in her video on the subject. The girl obviously loves animals. She is a bit weird, but that's not hurting anyone. This dog was already dead by the girl's claims. I cannot see someone like Joey supporting someone who was in the wrong on an issue of animal cruelty. It just doesn't seem like a viable option. Joey's goofy, hilarious, and laid back, but not stupid or easily fooled. 

Furthermore, I can see that as absolutely weird as some might term this girl, during her interviews she showed no obvious signs of discomfort or anything to make me think she was lying.  I honestly feel like this is a case where someone was different. When this aquaintance of hers lied about who the dog belonged to, she did Wolfie a great disservice and let the mainstream media and people who saw her as "strange" or "disturbed" take a nice shot. The worst part is that with what the general public knows about the case... it might not be so hard, with the right judge, to have this girl punished. 

I don't know, it just reminds me that people who are even a bit different, have a chance of being singled out and persecuted. 

Taxidermy has been around for YEARS. The difference here is that it's not Ol' Bubbah stuffing a squirrel or "that thar skunk what sprayed my sister!" It's a rather small teenager with a strange outlook on reality who thought they were helping out a friend. Admittedly her and her "pack" are not the most presentable of people from what interviews have shown, but I've yet to see a case where dark clothing means "YOUDUNNIT." 

Also, in a matter not at all related...

I've been listening to Somewhere only we Know by Keane, covered by my favorite indie musician. 

This song is screaming to me right now. 

Thank you Ben. 

~Locke

Lyrics:



Somewhere only we know by Keane

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when, you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go, somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know?

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So, tell me when you gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything.
So why don't we go, so why don't we go?

Hmmm yeahh.

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go, somewhere only we know,
Somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know?

mood: confused

 But here it is. 

I am Locke.

I am Fore Loren, I am Forta Delrose, I am Valcior Meys, I am Jucan Sinstorm nee Meys, I am Foxx Revtor, I am Bastian Mays, I am Muse Smith, I am Poseidon, I am Nico Di Angelo. I am Kaguya Misi. If you haven't caught on here, it means that I have a lot of roles to play in character on different sites. 

Furthermore, in some of these roles, I have out of character duties to these sites. 
But I also have school and I want to write on stories when I get that rare bit of inspiration. 

There is no better model than my buddy jayiin to look at about making sacrifices and making decisions about what one does with their time and what one wants to do. So I'm going to borrow a tactic from him and just flat out state my policy. 

If I owe you a post or a judgment, and I haven't done it... I don't mind you asking me about it. However, recognize that I may not have forgotten, I may just be too busy. I know what some of you are thinking, "Too busy for me?" well, yeah. Too busy for you. This is nothing personal. I just need my time. If this offends you, tough dog biscuits. 

I love my friends. 

But there comes a point where I need to take hold of this rare thing inside of me and enslave it to my will. Unfortunately, this time instead of doing that, I'm writing this. I was hoping it wouldn't become a problem, but recently while trying to carefully, casually and kindly tell someone I couldn't post at the moment, I got snapped at. So pussyfooting doesn't work. 

So here's the facts: 

If you tell me and I don't get to it, give me two days. 

If I tell you not to remind me, don't remind me. 

That's the guideline when it comes to posting in RPs. I promise I'll get to them. 

If you're trying to get me to post a judgment and I tell you not to remind me, it's because one or both of you have pissed me off and it would be better for you both to find a different judge. If you choose not to do so, give me time to relax on you. 

There you go. 

Now that I've lost all of that creativity I was feeling just minutes ago, I'm going to do some dishes and post on CVD. 

Locke out.

mood: bored

 Lately I have spent a lot of time as Generation Zi's Fore Loren, or Valcior Meys or the ORJ (Occasionally Ranting Judgebot.) I have to slowly push myself into a lot more roles in the coming days. First and foremost, Locke the college student. Soon, Locke the Congoer for Ohayocon. Locke the Congoer is an amazingly different person from Locke the College Student or the ORJ. So happy, excited to meet new people. Cons are just awesome. 

And soon I'll have to take up the role of Locke the Self-Depreciating Grumpy Old Man for staffing Hades Wrath. I am tied with one other member for 'oldest person on the site.' The bulk of the site is 12-16. Kai and I are 19. Kai is not self-concious about the age difference, but I am for some reason. Kai... sometimes I don't know if he's all there. He asks a lot of questions that I find odd, like something a child would ask. But sometimes, I think that's just a bit of a lack of maturity, because he has moments of profundity. For Hades Wrath, I'll eventually start RPing again, which means the personas of Nico Di Angelo, Bastian Mays and Muse Smith will have to return to use, and potentially even Poseidon. 

Muse Smith is one of my favorite personas to take on. He dearly loves his little half-sister (though due to circumstances surrounding that player's family life and my inability to not try to help someone, I cannot interact with that player at all) but is otherwise easy to anger. He is asexual, but more than that, he holds no concept of love beyond that of friends and family. He laments his gender for sadness of not being able to appeal to Artemis to take him as a huntress, and truly wishes in some part of him to be a girl for that sake, and the sake of shedding some of these terrible things people assume about him because of his gender. 

People do not seem to understand the concept of asexuality. 

When I write for Muse, I see so many more potential stories for him because he doesn't have to follow the eventual path of finding a late teenage romance and the drama that that entails. He can go out there and do anything, and have no mind for anything but what is RIGHT and helping others. 

I love being a writer because of characters such as him and Sabrina-Joad. 

Hmm. This brings me to some earlier thoughts I had while reading this tKs. When I recieved the file over e-mail from my friend, I never dreampt I'd have to wait so long to crack it open, but when it rains it pours. Now I'm digging into it and in just about 5 hours I've covered 80 pages. This seems to be mostly backstory to the original tKs he showed me. It's an interesting story so far, and no matter how much I miss the powerful heroine of the bit I know so well, this young girl and the three companions who have so far escorted her through the story are very engaging. That I know some of what is to come for this character heightens it all the more. 
I managed to get through the prologue without even realizing how many pages I had read, and that is when it occurred to me to tell my friend he was an amazing writer. Not author, but writer. I feel like the term author sucks away all meaning from the act of writing. Sure, it sounds impressive to say, "I'm a published author!" but imagine instead that you could say, "I'm a writer whose works have touched many." Author sounds so professional. That is why I will always believe he can be an amazing author, but always know he is an amazing writer.

Still, this is all dodgy 4:30 AM ranting, and I'm still nowhere near done reading for the night. I will get to halfway before I even consider sleep, so I think I'll wrap this post up by saying that I can't wait to become Locke the Writer. 

I slept until 10:30 or so. After a harried digging, I managed to uncover my OLD math book. I rushed off to class at roughly 11:15. My father and I sat down in the class and proceeded to act like jackasses pretending we didn't know each other, even in introducing each other to the class. That's how it goes. Though we did our best to pay attention, I don't like this teacher too much. She already teaches like my high school algebra teacher, and I couldn't get that at all. Here's to hoping things improve though! 

I came home and stared at a word document for a LONG TIME. The second chapter of the story of Sabrina-Joad is resistant to being written. It's ugly. Here is now 7:17 and I've barely written a page. I'm waiting for some pilots to wrangle me in for judging. That'll be FUN, right? 

Still... merh. Not much to say. Today was okay, just slow.